If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
