Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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