So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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