You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
