Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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