Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
