Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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