A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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