I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's shark week go big or go home
And then the night went full on bisexual.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
