I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
