just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
