when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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