do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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