I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
