You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
