I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
