Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
