im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
