Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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