like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
