I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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