I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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