She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
