I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize