happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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