he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
