Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
