i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Found the puke drawer
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
