i just had sex bonerless
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
