You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
