dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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