If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
