I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
