I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
then he tried to convert me to islam
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
