From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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