Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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