Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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