Non-Jews are for practice
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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