This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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