I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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