Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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