so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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