When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
