I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
