Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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