no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
