My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
