remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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