i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
