I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
