weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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