lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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