um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
