great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
