It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
