An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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