there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
