he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
