I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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