The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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