he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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