Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
