I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
