I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I will pee on everything he values.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
