"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
