I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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